Life lately

I've promised my daughter that I will memorize a song just for her, that I'll read her Dr. Seuss, that I will be a present mother. But, I've been putting things off. I wish I can find more conviction in trying to realize my promises.

I've discovered collage! Haha. They make photos more pretty and somehow more meaningful when put together. Of late, I've been having 2-3 lunch dates in a day, I'm stuck in an office where I just wait for time- and I am not complaining. It's pleasant. I don't want hard work. I just need money. I've been doing hard labor since 2011, it's time that I take a breather and be able to just sit. Be a bit more friendly, listen to life stories, read good/shallow news, ensure that I just absorb good vibes, be a friend who can show up, I'm grateful that I don't have to deal with tyanaks. 

Above photos were from 2011-2012. I miss my sisters daily. I'm grateful my folks gave them to me, otherwise I'd go through motherhood alone. :(

stacks

Earlier into my 20s I've prayed for a certain consistency in my life- be it a job or something more, and every New Years I wish for life-altering experiences. Life altering ones had been given- some are beneficial and are of happy things, others are either hurtful, regrettable, and are actually results of un-wise decisions.

A life that is somehow consistent took a bit of time to materialize until I got pregnant. The prayer didn't necessarily mean a child, marriage, a husband but somehow maybe this was my God's way of making me know what is consistent- what is lasting- what is forever.

I guess the moment I'd be a mother - I'd be changed forever. I will always be a mother and in that sense my prayer had been personified.

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Lately, I've been gnashing negativity- I've tons of things to accomplish when I go back, government papers, more home renovations, more things to purchase for the baby, and a relationship that needs to grow-up instantly - how horrific it seems that a year ago we were just a couple now we are both parents. I, at 29 am experiencing difficulties in adjusting, what more to a mere 23 year old?

--

"On your back with your racks as the stacks are your load

In the back and the racks and the stacks of your load

In the back with your racks and you're un-stacking your load

.. your love will be safe with me."

good girls don't always finish last..

I wanted the wrong things early in my pregnancy. I'm glad I've never endangered my child with substance abuse. If I did, I would've hit myself in the head.

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I wish the baby's going to be okay. About this time, it already has arm and leg buds, and a heart bulge. How exciting is that? But, it still looks like a tiny tadpole and about the size of a lentil bean. God does not fall short of showing His loving kindness. People in this city still eats me. Some are simply panget like that nonetheless if I cared too much, it will not help my pregnancy. So I would stop caring. At this very moment, it's going to be about me, the baby, and J.

J drives me up the wall. No relationship is perfect. But in the middle of the day, I stop and realize that I miss him, and I feel for him for being thrown into a web of responsibilities for me and the baby at such a young age. And when he told me he wishes we could travel, it broke my heart- I could only reassure him that we can travel with the baby some time in the future.

It's not so bad. My nausea is bearable. My tireds are bearable. Life lately is really bearable.

-photo inset me and katrini back in june this year

tic douloureux

i officially have a name for my jaw pain. the doctor diagnosed it as TN- trigeminal neuralgia or in fancier term tic douloureux.

is a neuropathic disorder characterized by episodes of intense pain in the face. Originating in one of the three trigeminal nerves. This pain may be felt in any or all of the following: the ear, eye, lips, nose, scalp, forehead, cheeks, teeth, or jaw and alongside of the face, some patients also experience pain in their left index finger; it is not easily controlled or cured. It is estimated that 1 in 15,000 people suffer from trigeminal neuralgia, although the actual figure may be significantly higher due to frequent misdiagnosis.

It is more common in females.

TN brings about severe stabbing pain, electrical shock sensations, a pressure or crushing sensation, and a burning sensation may also be reported ; these sensations may be caused from a touch to the affected area of one's face, but in many patients the pain is generated spontaneously without any apparent stimulation.

Individual attacks usually affect one side of the face at a time, lasting from several seconds to a few minutes and repeat up to hundreds of times throughout the day. The pain also tends to occur in cycles with remissions lasting months or even years.

-from wikipedia

Doctor says I have to take this anticonvulsant drug 3 times daily to control the attacks. I'd have to go thru a series of tests including CBC, ESR, urinalysis, and MRI with contrast- meaning an IV would be inserted on my hand while undergoing MRI.

Inasmuch as I don't want to be depressed, I couldn't help it. If the MRI results comes out badly, I might be diagnosed with multiple sclerosis as well. FML.

http://www.fpa-support.org/