The stork came real early for Christmas!

In November 25, found out we're pregnant as I tested positive on a home HCG kit. The baby, after J and I discussed about plans of getting married by October of 2011 wasn't a part of the deal. We decided to move to Cebu in Jan. 2011, and go about life as a married couple without a child. I've been on potent and strong medication since summer of this year. I've been diagnosed with a couple of ills- ones that will plague me for the rest of my life if I am not careful about the way I eat and the things that I do to myself- so I thought I might wind up barren. I've so much substance in my body that a zygote will not think about surviving inside me. I'm wrong. God has ways, unimaginable.

All sorts of thrill winds up inside me now. I've no way to go but be happy about it even when the imp is really going to ruin our life plans. But who cares, I wouldn't ask for our circumstance to be any different.

November 29, went thru my firsts Trans-V Ultrasound. Found out that I am 5 weeks along- and I've been clueless. I've been taking steroids, antihistamines, painkillers, and been hanging around friends who smoke. I'm ultimately an idiot for not asking for the print out of the sac. It's looks like a balut, so round, the result says it's just .14cm in diameter. A tiny, tiny yellow sac that'll change both J and my perspective about a childless marriage. ;p Down side is: I've a cyst on my left ovary, and I am hemorrhaging. Tomorrow, it'll be a gyne visit. I am not so scared anymore. I know the kiddo is alive.

xx

The stork came real early for Christmas!

In November 25,  found out we're pregnant as I tested positive on a home HCG kit. The baby, after J and I discussed about plans of getting married by October of 2011 wasn't a part of the deal. We decided to move to Cebu in Jan. 2011, and go about life as a married couple without a child. I've been on potent and strong medication since summer of this year. I've been diagnosed with a couple of ills- ones that will plague me for the rest of my life if I am not careful about the way I eat and the things that I do to myself- so I thought I might wind up barren. I've so much substance in my body that a zygote will not think about surviving inside me. I'm wrong. God has ways, unimaginable. 

All sorts of thrill winds up inside me now. I've no way to go but be happy about it even when the imp is really going to ruin our life plans. But who cares, I wouldn't ask for our circumstance to be any different. 

November 29, went thru my first Trans-V Ultrasound. Found out that I am 5 weeks along- and I've been clueless. I've been taking steroids, antihistamines, painkillers, and been hanging around friends who smoke. I'm ultimately an idiot for not asking for the print out of the sac. It's looks like a balut, so round, the result says it's just .14cm in diameter. A tiny, tiny yellow sac that'll change both J and my perspective about a childless marriage. ;p Down side is: I've a cyst on my left ovary, and I am hemorrhaging. Tomorrow, it'll be a gyne visit. I am not so scared anymore. I know the kiddo is alive. 

xx

life lately- the stork came unexpectedly.

out of His 7000 promises. ♥

♡♡♡♡♡♡

dear baby,

i was in the strangest sense of shock yesterday. i let myself cry knowing that you are already a realization of all the longing and wishing and praying of my past, younger self. i am a bit unprepared. knowing that your mother and daddy had their lives mapped out for 2011 and for the rest of their lives. that they know that they loved each other and promised to be together, forever soon. and then there's you. and it's not only gonna change things in a tad way but in a major, astronomical way.

nonetheless, we both promise that we love you despite being unprepared, despite being weirded out by the circumstance. i guess, now i couldn't quite imagine if things did not turn out the same way as now.

mama, promises to be happy while you're inside and to eat well while you're turning out to be the little one we both had wished to eventually have. mama promises not to put you at risk while you're so tiny. and today, being the 2nd day that i've learned that you are alive, i wanted to tell you that you already have a name and again, that you are truly, truly loved.

in 20 years time, you might no longer need mama and daddy. but, i know you'll be awesome. cuz you already are giving me all sense of awesome inside me now. thank you.

waiting in anticipation,

mama

november 26, 2010

kentuy palabuy

the baby ate ice cream on a cone and messed himself up.
and i took him WOF so we can ride the toy car, he wind up in fits. haha.

♡♡♡♡♡♡

dear baby,

i was in the strangest sense of shock yesterday. i let myself cry knowing that you are already a realization of all the longing and wishing and praying of my past, younger self. i am a bit unprepared. knowing that your mother and daddy had their lives mapped out for 2011 and for the rest of their lives. that they know that they loved each other and promised to be together, forever soon. and then there's you. and it's not only gonna change things in a tad way but in a major, astronomical way.

nonetheless, we both promise that we love you despite being unprepared, despite being weirded out by the circumstance. i guess, now i couldn't quite imagine if things did not turn out the same way as now.

mama, promises to be happy while you're inside and to eat well while you're turning out to be the little one we both had wished to eventually have. mama promises not to put you at risk while you're so tiny. and today, being the 2nd day that i've learned that you are alive, i wanted to tell you that you already have a name and again, that you are truly, truly loved.

in 20 years time, you might no longer need mama and daddy. but, i know you'll be awesome. cuz you already are giving me all sense of awesome inside me now. thank you.

waiting in anticipation,

mama

dance for the moment and dance your life away

one can be a mainstream pianist and write about his Christianity in a non-glaring light. i lovelove him.

in my playlist:

questions

the way

blue skies

loving me

so close

some tight fix

love

for you from me

praying to the wrong god

dance you life away

indiana

human

beating my heart

perfect

people

amelia's missing

we all need saving

We currently are a family. And we do not need a baby.

the most adorable babies

life lately, a blitzkrieg

november 16- kenji and i watching tv
my boys in my bedroom that's comparable to a huge blitzkrieg. sometimes, i work well with chaos.
j looks like charlie chaplin here. (: (november 18, 2010)

i've been staying in, getting sick, staying up all night, making plans, eating all the fattening unhealthy fast food meals, dating the boyfriend, and kuliting kenji a whole lot.

love home life. i wish i can buy my own house soon.

crack dora

this video was taken eons ago. katrine acting like crack dooooooooooora

mercado on a whim

j wanted to get shawarma rice, i wanted to get shawarma and zagu for lunch, so we both decided to go to the nearest savemore despite the lack of sleep. and then, i told him we better hoard at least 10 one litre bottle of iced tea because they're on sale. (: and so we did. it's going to be death by iced tea.

then we found ourselves in one of those chinese factory stores that sells everything from toothbrushes to barrettes. i got myself some sparkly barrettes. ü

we were feeling a bit adventurous despite the rain that we went inside the mercado that smells like rotten dead things, we asked a few ladies to help us find a store that sells meringue. the meringues we found were short of our expectations. they were huge and not colored. i want food coloring and all the crazy additives in my baked sugar. and we got some mints and sampaloc candies. it was like a typical pinoy childhood sari sari store experience.

and we got apples, ponkans, and mangoes from the mercado fruit stalls.

the boy's sense of adventure is a bit berserk sometimes. but still..

hastang guapaha arteha bataa

my niece and god child kairi cate. i wanna kumos her aping just like that.

...........

And so you see I have come to doubt

All that I once held as true

I stand alone without beliefs

The only truth I know is you.

it's been lovely and awesome since july. i kinda felt less alone in this goddamned city. and really forgiven. 

woah, sweet love of mine

And if I stare too long
I'd probably break down and cry

woah oh oh
Sweet child o' mine
woah oh oh oh
Sweet love of mine

food shopping with kenji today. he was excited to see the "firshes", he can't pronounce s correctly so he'd put an R in between. (:

-

snapshots and life lately

after shift, i asked the be ep to take pictures of me outside the work grounds.

i'm dressing up as the ballerina in swan lake for our christmas party. so i did a dry run of the costume. this is a dress i bought in january, haven't worn it yet. the dress up/ costume party will be a good reason to wear it.

lovers alone wear sunlight

unloves's the heavenless hell and homeless home

of knowledgeable shadows(quick to seize
each nothing which all souless wraiths proclaim
substance;all heartless spectres,happiness)

lovers alone wear sunlight. The whole truth

not hid by matter;not by mind revealed
(more than all dying life,all living death)
and never which has been or will be told

sings only-and all lovers are the song

Here(only here)is freedom always here
no then of winter equals now of spring;
but april's day transcends november's year

(eternity being so sans until
twice I have lived forever in a smile)

fastfood supper. boy had a hair cut. he's hates it.

on God

Arguing whether or not a God exists is like fleas arguing whether or not the dog exists.  Arguing over the correct name for God is like fleas arguing over the name of the dog.  And arguing over whose notion of God is correct is like fleas arguing over who owns the dog.

Robert Fulghum

hey now

i'm soooo shiny and reddddddddd
j and his hair from david's
sm at dusk was quite lovely
be ep and i were out today!

how lovely, after i called in sick last night because i was groggy, dried up like a tree bark, and itchy; j showed up at home around 5:30am with a plateful of baked mac and a cheese pimiento sandwich. he's the man of the hour. (:

and i felt a hell lot better. no itch during the day, only exfoliated skin that's gross. i say, they looked like cotton fluffs.

my face/neck/skin would still sting when i put moisturizers, nonetheless i feel rested and not out of sorts unlike the past 2/3 weeks.

we ordered calzone and bacon pizza from herom's for lunch. they serve the best calzone in bacolod.

then he decided to cut his hair. haha. poor boy. he was devasted to let go of his locks. then again, that's like his burnt offering to the gods so we'd win lottery on saturday. winning pot is 385million pesoses!

we even played scratch it. i lost 40php, he won a hundred. leche.

all is well except for me contemplating on a 17k ricoh (w/ manual adjustments) camera and a C3 from nokia in pink. i'm so selling my corby! hehe.

"The heart will turn to a prune if love is always by the numbers. How will you know if someone really loves you if they only meet your expectations and not your needs?"
— Robert Fulghum (Maybe, Maybe Not)

bursting capillaries, thought only firecrackers would do that.

kenji &i both hv autoimmune conditions affecting our quality of lives. my nephew's trouble is w/ platelets, i w/ capillaries/blood vessels.

been diagnosed with urticaria vasculitis yesterday. fml.

i've lesions near my eyes and my lips and they crack and bleed and is pakset hapdus. gahd, the trauma! my middle name should be trauma. i just wish there's more research in asia/ philippines about rare life style crippling diseases. i'm to keep a journal abt my condition. phone my doctor every 3 days, be on prolonged medication and tests. it's a blitzkrieg i must say.

i'm too embarrassed to go out; ppl stare at my literally RED face. that's the meanest most uncomfortable gesture strangers can do.

since my diagnosis of tic douloureux and then this allergy w/c circles back to the former conditon, life has been about pacing.

i've too much histamines in my body more than i need them.(more than what's good for me.) so my blood vessels break and shows up on my skin in the form of rashes and lesions.

last night after taking steroids, the itchiness/redness/flares subsided for about an hour, and then my palms and soles were itchy and felt hot. and then i saw bleeding near my eyes like that of the bleeding around my lips. 

WERLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

some things are bigger than us. blogged about the same here: ♥

xx. i've the mean reds, literally. 

life as i know it

Been diagnosed with TN earlier this September, then more than a couplah weeks ago, was hospitalized because of a suspected adverse reaction to my TN pain maintenance drug: Tegretol. The diagnosis was Erythema Multiforme- skin allergy in the form of rashes in multiple forms.

Today, I had to see my allergist again who is actually the best doctor in this goddamned city. He tells me I have Vasculitis. I forget w/c form. He assures me it's not life threatening and that I'd need to have several tests and that I've to go thru steroids. For the life of me, it's actually making me nuts. My skin had lesions and is itchy and dry and scaly. FML.

So, I did some reading about the condition and found out that it's a disease so rare and it's hard to diagnose and it takes prolong medication. I'm soooooooooo screwed.

I know need remission- again. I'm grateful TN attacks are at bay.

Sometimes, I do not know what to do with myself.

--

At least today, J and I had beef burger, green tea, sour creme and barbeque fries at Taters. Before seeing Doctor Rafaelito. Then had coffee at Bob's SM and I've enjoyed watching him play on a digital baby grand at Casio.

Everything's bad as it is good. Sad as it has made me happy. Fucked and so put together.

links to learning about vasculitis:
http://www.mayoclinic.org/medical-edge-newspaper-2010/jan-01b.html
http://rarediseasesnetwork.epi.usf.edu/vcrc/learnmore/definitions.htm
http://vasculitis.med.jhu.edu/faqs/faqs.html

xx

sweet november

8 nov shift and 9 nov coffee date and baby grand test with j. <3

It had been so beautiful. Life had been so simple and so terribly beautiful.

lifelately.

Maybe the greatest madness is to see life as it is rather than what it could be.

the year just rolled over just like that, when we had a toast of cheap wine during new years' eveand kenji went through the long bout with ITP and blood samples month per month and number of hospital stayscelebrating my 28th birthday with family and friends and not being insecure about almost getting to my 30s.going on road trips during summer and shamelessly wearing a bikini. kevs.feeling that i still am everybody else's forever summerand the dailys with keken and meeting j and so many other people and new addition to the family, a baby shar pei named cassto learning that the patooties can be loving to each other one minute and be spiteful the nextand the hospital visits to riverside, being diagnosed with TN, and getting allergies.

All in all, it's been rad. (:

playing kooky

playing cookie.

mcdonald's last thursday's/friday's shift
♥! summer of 2009.