last day cebu

wit nice and kathra, sorry kaau cohn's last minute ni

wari

i miss you wari.

 

 

tin*

first day at work went okits i guess. am totally disoriented and oblivious with and of wut's happening around me...and teej is there. he's in his flounder self wit a wedding ring and he thinks am pathetic....booo....he cannot piss me off anymore. ewan. at least am QA, he's agent...hehehehehe

workplace wise it's really good however, compben-wise...it's like western wats. and payday's 5th and 20th...boooooh.

so there. am still the loneliest gal. am still groping my way around here.

i need my own place. i wish i can find an apartment. the rain stopped. and i will be okay i guess....

things will fall into place. toots offered to see me in august. i wish. i badly needed a hug from ppl back home.

 

 

safely remove hardware

raymond jimenez diko kalimot nimo, naulawan ko maayo.....

photo credit: nyc.prinsesbatungorange....
last day spent in ayala/ rustan's/ bo's/ayala entertainment center....
ohgodimissthesegals and ceboooo

The loneliest gal stuck in latin America

I wish I had listened to Wari; that at times it’s not always bout the money, it’s about being with the people you love… it’s not that disastrous at all, when I got here, they moved us (with two gals, best buds from cebu) to our place. It’s clean and roomy; we have our cabinets and own washrooms and the place got guard, however, for the first time in my entire life I felt completely lonely, not alone but lonely. It’s awful. I want my own place so I can keep to myself, in two months we have to look for our place though. Bacolod is pretty, no beggars, no garbages scattered around, it’s almost like davao, even the traffic is soooo davao. But, it’s not davao. Davao is familiar and comfy. I swore I wouldn’t miss the filth and the poverty of cebu… but, I missed it. I missed its noise. The silence here is deafening. I guess am not adjusted to being here yet because am not doing anything but unpacking and trying to let everything settle. Am trying to soak in everything. Am bad with directions, so am really trying, and I still cannot cross a road. I look absolutely stupid. Oh, it’s soooo latin America, I even switched my friendster location to Venezuela because am hearing latinos. Hahaha, my ilonggo is a bit off-key. Kalukring, when I try to say something, nothing appropriate would come out of moi mouth.  Bones to pick on: our place does not have laundry room or kitchen sink or mirror, full length or half of it… Argh!!!!

 

 

I feel like crying.

I feel like wanting to cry plus sabunot my head for even going. I just wish tomorrow would be better, that not having to take calls would make me be less lonely. And that I can do well.

 

I miss wari already. The whole day we have been talking. Peste. Ang lungkot.

 

When I left I felt like sana the old house would move with me. I want my cebu friends. I want my ayala, stockholder ako dun. I want my Mercado…

 

I miss my sisters. Kahit nga si mothergoose who drives me up the wall at times…

 

Oh Lord… lemme settle.

 

 

 

Last day in ceboooo, went out with kathra and nyc. Gals, thanks for spending my last day in ayala. Hahaha, nxt tym am there donya nako. Love you both. Mareng kathra, the bestest 24^th year to you.

 

I am sorry mareng cohni, I heard cojuanco ka raw…hehehehe. Barretto lang kami nila kathra. Am sorry I did not get to watch sukob with you, now when I see the ad posted, I cringe. Inissabaysabunotsasarili…

 

 

Iloveyoutoowari. I hope you heard me.

 

<3

 

sweet little headache

let's go thru the bad news first

<3 it's shobe's 22nd birthday, the cab driver held her at knife-point,(hehehehe, lack of better word) when she went to work, and took her money and her phone, came home crying...gawd, the same cab driver whom i thought would rob me, but, did not.....

<3 but happy birthday anyway shobe, loveyou.

x0x0

then cris and shobe and i had lunch at dessert factory, tama nga at times it's better to stick to the beef or pork or pasta or lengua...hahahahaha. the food smelled thailand daw sabi pa ni cris.

and the good news:

am going!

mag-isa i guess. i got the job offer to do quality and not take calls. am like God, thank You for this answered prayer. love You. then i told wari. then i don't know wut to do now. now, that more things are happening na sana. sana. but, who cares? do moi look like moi cared now? am not gonna take calls. naawa na ang avaya god sa akin after two years....

 

am packing in a day, then have to go thru getting my documents. i have to go back to etel sighs.

so piyayaland cya.

 

iloveyouwari. argh.

i'll mishoo cebu.promise. sana may bigby's, sana may colorstone, sana may ratsky's hehehehehe. at sana makakauwi ako pagsinulog. Lord, baliw ako.

 

do i look like i care?

saon mana nato?

 

 

wala'y ato dong.....

bwehehehehe, hilarious ka steff

naa ko chika.....naa nahalina nato 3 ni miws sa ko
primary pic dre friendster...he was my interviewer
kato apply ko bigfoot and ino filmaking
maghimo xa commercial project for bigfoot and gi
invite ta nya for a shoot in vudu...like the axe
commercial daw...kita daw to ang mga girls...u
like?join sa shoot?join mo miwa mags....ds was
his message:

hey, im iono f u rmmber me... but anyway, this is
crazy. im shooting a proj for bigfoot film school
about a commercial on a body spray, its a spec ad.
maybe you and ur friends can play as the girls
reacting to the axe guy? thursday 5-8pm. vudu? cnt
believe im saying this... f any of ur friends that
might be interested. just um, txt.

 

 

sayboooo

i am now assured that i will be getting the job offer for piyayaland this friday, am not going unless it's a 25k salary, and i do not think that they'd give me that much anyway. so am not going. gawk now.

thinking of packing and shipping is taxing. and i wanna see nathaniel bartin. my nephew or my niece.

and the publishing called. and at 11:15pm i have this interview. Lord tell me wut to do.

today it's pouring cats and dogs. i feel like i've slept the whole day thru. then sassy smsd about his charges/patients at the icu and how the dying smelled. and jacel texted too! refreshing ang thought that we cud carry a conversation sa text now. hehehehehe.love you jace.

imissyou wari. the next time yer car breaks down tell me so i can find someone to tow it. di bitw. just tell me. at sana wa'g ka nang mambabae.

wut will she say this year?

that the philippines is at a better state better than last year...that jobs are here. that she will give those retired navy officers their homes(back), that i will be relocated to piyayaland. ha!

it's the president's SONA. it's her 6th i think. pray for this gawdforsaken land my ppl. btw.

oooh imissed church, i got uber excited thinking JO na for piyaya...why is it taking them forever to give me a job? nawala na ako gana. honest. Dear Lord, You are literally stretching my patience. i don't need You to do that. i need an assurance that i can GO.

 

google george matheson. he writes best when it comes to patience and waiting and deliverance.

imiss you jaez....and mike one year nata nxt week hehehehehe.

 

LFBBPNS

i fucking can't stop crying, i miss you...it's unbelievable....

 

sa dihang wa natarug. bogits.

again

i fell in love with cebu all over again/ inspite of the multiple mishaps i've encountered here. and my successive whinings that i miss home. but,where is home really?

 

nevertheless....i'd still wanna settle in piyayaland. hehehehe

a wanton being

how are you liking being a junkie?

sooo far, you sleep after majika is over and you over ate, or sometimes you forget to eat, then you crash in on yer sister's place, then you sleep til 8am then sms ppl, then go home, then sleep again til you stink...

and on some days like yesterday, you go out with yer team mate named karen, then you look for a job in the civil service, then you make lako yer CV on all possible call centers, hihihi, then on yer way to mango square, rain got soooo heavy, then you stepped on a mud puddle good thing yer wearing yer reliable tsinelas na malmal allover, but, yep, there's mud on yer left foot, then yer almost, just, almost drenched i the rain. plus some guy would accuse you of doing something fishy altho yer not....but, you do not let that get you..... then you wait for the rain to stop in select, you grab some green tea and brownies, and you talk about friends and past hurt in sykes....boo...then you'd end up seeing an old gal pal in PS, yay, hace, am happy yer mrs. borja now...ihope dylan marcus would grow up healthy....then you'd see mai in the most unlikely place...and doing medical transcription...hehehehe.and you'd teach karen lotto. hahahaha

kai, i had fun, yesterday was awesome, it's like selling high speed altho no one bought it, yer relieved because you do not have to go thru the whole call. hehehehe

 

and syempre mr. kerby gella. you made the day. you made me the happiest gal there is. hehehehe. 3 years after college graduation. amazing.

 

ooooh wari, do not sms at 1am. am not up and am not in etel. grr. amishoo,it is awful.

 

ohhh. shobe came home na....she brought the best sweets from iloilo, my throat hurts now. tas she gave me those alambre earrings i totally loved.

mare

such is loooove. Woohoo!!!

am quoting verlaine. am not making sense i know.

 

her story: she's a broken person, she does not need to drag you into all this mess. you cannot fix her. she's a big girl now, she can take care of herself.

 

best money spent

one who is worth waking up early for/ and spending the best money you'll ever spend for: a p100 cab ride for that damn hit or miss five minute of yer life and then yer forever endorphin induced. then you'll take the wrong jeepney home. but, who cares, yer happy....

 

i wanna go back home. give me davao or i will die. OA. jace, tama ka, cebu will always be there/ (but it will be different when i would leave then i'd go back, this is wut happened to davao, am an outsider now) and tama ka rin, the ppl who loves me does not have boundary.

 

 

oh sing the barney song....

kermit. i can die happy now. hahaha. namali ko'g saka'y jeep pauli/ mali pajud ako gilahusan while waiting for that freaking aircraft.

 

sighs

superman returns....

a disaster.

 

wari amishoo. showup when you can. argh.

this time the cut went deep

(bear with the typos, am blogging like a mad gal)

july 15- i finally accepted that bumming is an acceptable state to be in. i slept all day/ answered kai's phone calls late in the afternoon til evening. am glad she called. i would die being wanton and not being able to associate with another being.

sunday, july 16, finally decided to make it to church, an almost spur of the moment thingy/ i've been putting off church for a while now until i saw magi in ayala while out with kathra. and she emailed that she will be in church come sunday plus i miss her and Him anyway. Ü sayang, marsi did not get to go with us, the slowpoke that she is.... hehehe

praise and worship did the trick,i got goosebumps allover, and am like " thank You for making life seem easier in comparison to my mrm/aol days and making this sunday a particularly beautiful sunday..."

then the pastor was preaching abt manifestations of Christians slash our body is a temple....am guilty of not being attentive cuz i've been texting ppl....but, before the service ended, the minister was saying something like...." we do not need better condoms..... if you are a young man/woman who are sleeping together split up or get married....."

awww. conviction hurts.

during lunch with magi verlaine smsd why i seemed different- she meant why wasn't i whining.... later in the evening i realized that lance's sms made my sunday, plus the fact that sunday is one of my fave days and am not at work....

oh i saw my fave ppl along the way....(figuratively and literally)

i saw the jerk of mrm, to hell i care. he did not really ruin the day.

after seeing pirates of the carribean with riz and magi (twas queueing, the whole crowd could make for FIFA, and i wonder if dyosa's ryt, that subtitles helped, i did not really dig the film, plus i did not get to see the prequel, so sue me) dulce and honeygo caught up wit us, on the way to bo's i saw lj....it was funny because i did not know until yesterday that i am capable of phsically injuring people.... and at 22 we stopped talking, now am 24, i should've moved on.... then i saw my fave mag ina in the world, geneva and matmat.... nagbitch fit ang ako baby girl in shingles.... " no mommy no....you weren't listening"

muchos later, i saw ron and tindera ng mais....i could've walked up to him and told him what a fake he is and if he thinks am a cheat he is a bigger cheat than i am..... then again, it was almost a year ago, so i rest my case. (july20, 2005)

went home and i got a 150 prepiad credit on my phone....people we can still believe in outryt generosity of others. hehehehe

i wanted to stay up the whole nyt cuz i've been texting marsi, kai, ryan, fifay, verlaine,narda..... then i resigned to sleeping..... however, this sunday night i made the most insights about my past year.....

that at times i would blanche out and under my breath would explain why him and i were short-lived. why i'm not extremely blameless or why he is not exactly at fault..... i'm tired of having to explain that i am unfit of a boy gal relationship, that it's easier to understand girls and girly confidences.... and yes, i get hurt and become bitter and will think relationships can be cumbersome for a time, then i move on not because it's easy to move on, it's just that i am that..... and am not to explain myself to friends or ppl who cared because in the first place they should've understood full well....

and the hugest of all insight..... raen yer a bum. stop.

magi, thanks for spending the sunday with moi...and riz eto ang pinakawindang statement na ginamit mo say guy, minemoria ko baka magamit eh/ you hate seeing me cry but, still you continue to give me reasons not to stop crying. hehehe. wagi!

and verlainey, kudos to you for getting a job at deutsche bank out of being depressed because germany did not win the cup....am proud of you. love you.

 

 

rain on me

woke up mid daybreak. twas raining, decided against going to etel for the clearance/ so i ended smsing steph the whole morning til i ended up sleeping again. she's ready to transform her room into a nursery with glow in the dark stars. i envy her, she stated why should i be scared of marriage when all i wanted to be is to become Geneva or Mhiwa, both our gal pals and both moms. sighs. i cannot afford a baby at this point. i want a job.....

 

if i left cebu, i wouldn't have steph, magi mentioned yesterday that she would miss church when she is in dumaguete because she doesn't know where church is.... bitaw. if ever i've to relocate to nowhere i won't have what or who i have right now....

support system of gal pals from the call center industry with the same wavelength as i.

awwww....kaith asked if i wanna borrow lovely bones, she has been in tears while still in chapter two, kathra asked if i wanna go to ayala.... i opted to say no cuz i stayed in bed because of the rain, then vem and i went to teletech, which turned out to be futile because we only had to drop the CV then wait for the call....then out i went with elaine and narda to sm and ayala....i should've gone out with kathring. argh argh. not that i do not want to see narda tho.....hehehe

get me a job na Lord. ;)

 

 

Dear Lance

i knew you'd cry when you'd leave us. now i have something to tell the world...you cried inside yer car when you left cebu...hahaha, and to think i thought it was embarassing because i ended up in a sobfest, but, do not worry even arvin did muscle control when you left. booh. Please do not make it a habit to send sms at 4am. it makes my eyes blurry...

 

i wish you luck raen. i'm sorry you had to experience having another sup. i have to go home since cebu is making me a weak person. now i am back to the old self that i missed. you are young and you have the world under yer feet. do good always and forget bwt bad ppl. and just focus on the good ones and pay it forward. i care for my kids especially you and i don't want you getting into trouble because it would break my heart. i know you'll do great wherever you will go raen. ur a good person and am thankful that i had a chance to work with you. take care. Ü

 

 

apila

palayain na ang magdalo...

magtatatlong taon na po.

hulyo bente syete, 2003

 

 

taragis

imishoo leche.

tell me wut you want

minaw sa kanta, it's telling you not to go.

nge, mag unsa sad ko dre if naa didto ang trabaho?

naa pa man ko.

karon, naa man sad sila? wajud ta padulngan ani

we're not married.

then get married.

kaw ang bahala.

ako bitaw jud.

sinking into my systems

i finally left etel. am no longer a part heiress part worker elf. ha! i had a blast the previous six or seven months, but, i must admit it, my job's lifespan would be at least 6 months. ;)

it's back to sleeping til i stink, then thinking if i should do laundry, then making amends with of the really tainted relationship i have with Him, then acting like a big time junkie again, then see people am not supposed to see, then i get hurt, then i sulk, and then think that maybe i should not have had quit cuz am uber bored...then re-assess my current situation and tell myself that am in a better lot, cuz i'll never get up at 2am on a godforsaken friday night when everyone else is out....and i've to go get a cab by myself and show up for work to sell dsl/dial up//// no thank you very much, am never gonna have to kowtow to those aol know it alls anymore.... thank you. thank you.

lemme go to cancun then. amen.

and oh i discovered a new bakeshop, they make cakes with organic stuff. meaning, they make em healthy, they've mango, carrot, walnut-not my fave.... it's cakelove. promise. magnegosyo nalang ta na! but, Lord get me to piyayaland. maawa.

now am appreciating ceboo better and seeing it in a different light, nasanay na talaga siguro ako sa kawangwangan nito. am more familiar with it than i've been with davao.

shobe's in iloilo, she smsd that she belonged in there, donya.

amishooo wari. <3

 

 

nostalgia

every time i pass by the hall of justice in mandaue

 

i end up missing the hall of justice of davao. argh. and the bus terminal. argh.

junkies big time

yesterday i officially started being a junkie, i went out with maria lourdes slash narda and met her other junkie friend ryan who'll do the go nuts expansion.... he offered to lemme take the examination for east west bank...and i know i cannot possibley get in cuz am cursed when it comes to banks...and they don't pay too well when you start....

 ilove life. it's a bit scarey when yer broke tho....but, thank you Lord, i finally got my reg PA.... as useless the east west permanent fixtures that we were, we ended up having dinner there, minus the 3rd wheel junkie.... am not making sense am i? i love narda. i have had made too much confidences with her...

then i saw wari. Ü

then i forgot about the reggae nyt at vudu...

oh kiss. i will see you somewhere in cebu one day soon. haha.

 

i crashed dichee's place. i'm actually compelled to stay for the night cuz her own house scares her...anoyun? she's the most beautiful buntis there is. promise.

and today, i just thought i should be productive, so i volunteered to do the groceries. paksit. i still don't get buying meat and poultry. the toughest part of doing the groceries. i wish i could just go back to eating dried seaweeds and pork flakes plus sky flakes. life would be easier.

oh piyayaland, lemme come away with you. i still don't have a job.

dear ryu

am still seeing yer dad, i sometimes feel guilty about it.... last night i thought i love him, but, i just thought again, and i think i don't. ;) yep, i miss him most times, but, i know he misses you more and wants more for you.

you should know that yer the most adorable lil baby boy i've ever seen, and you'll be a family. and am not gonna be a part of it.

but it would've been great if you and yer dad were mine. but he never really told me that you guys could be.

 

that is why am not staying cuz he never really asked....

 

 

 

awwww

 

<> 

 

 

This is like the 100^th time I read all I really need to know I learned in kindergarten/ I stopped reading how to make an American quilt, it has had upset me greatly, am out of good books to read, I have allende’s and I have to reread or restart first page again. Gawd, this is getting to be boring. Life’s strange; when you have money you cannot find anyone to go out with, and when you’re on yer street rat moments everyone asks you out. Making your situation more difficult. Sighs. And am out of prepaid credits, another one of life’s ironies…when I am registered for the globe unlimited service, no one would sms, then everyone on globe would keep asking me tons of things that would need replies when I’ve no piso left. Awwww. Life.

 

July was a hard month for me last year… but, nothing bothers me more than the magdalo group. Wow. It’s been three years. And they haven’t resolved the whole thingy yet. I recalled not wanting to go out july 27, 2003 thinking that military really took over the country and there might be bombings in davao. Talk about paranoia, big time. Bottomline they should just let the young officers go. And this brings me to become nostalgic of Merco/ Chinese bap/ and davao in general.

 

Am now officially addicted to butong pakwan and butong kalabasa and those green tea from C2 or lipton, simply because they have the thinnest taste of tea plus sugar…ayyyyy, aiwan…

 

Life has been well. Pero I needed a new job. I needed to stick it with a company no matter what. And would you know that if I do make it to piyayaland they’d house us for free in a pension house plus there will be shuttle service to and fro work all year long??? Amazing.

Laking tipid sa utilities bill and rent. And transpo.  I want this job. Please.

 

Nonetheless, if I will be in cebu, I should look for a less stressful job. Ang bonus would be dichee’s  baby. =)

 

 jul112006

 

 

july 5, 2006

dichee and cpus' civil wedding.

sayin' it out loud

Now that am at this really, really sappy mode, this is going to be too good to pass…

 

Mamimiss ko ang mga araw na dinadalaw ko mga taga outbound sales, lalo na yung nakasama ko sa sumilon, sa pagvuvudu, pagsalubong ng sinulog, paglalasing nung bagong taon, nakipag Christmas party sa etel at nabasa sa ulan dun sa IT park, at naglasing uli sa village… I’ll miss wave 3 of vonage… andami nyong naging kaibigan ko at that time when I’ve no one in aol…syempre because ronski was there pods…hehehe…mamimiss ko ang pagpuntapunta sa fifth floor para mangumusta at sumabay kumain sanyo sa breakfast club… kahit na minsan nasa lukring mode ako at bigla ako umiiyak at tatawa salamat talaga sa pag intindi… thank you for including me in yer lil exclusive bubble when am really not supposed to be in it.

 

 

Mamimiss ko yung una kong nakasama during foundations training, sina sheilla, bjane, al, and some ppl from xmen, who were my first set of friends when I got to etel, and first kainuman sa kung saan, si dustin na napapangiti ako tuwing nakikita ko sya, tsaka si same who got hired the same day I got hired at naaalala lang ako tuwing hingi sya ng yosi, si gina who walks home with me from time to time. and si kat, that was the best soda and pastry thingy with you....

 

Xempre si jaezbereny who I love best even if he gets to my nerves at times. Salamat sa pagtityagang sumama sakin ubusin ang araw mag kape, magsunog ng baga, manlait ng tao, mag grocery sa robi-btc…at kung ano ano pa. Naiba na tingin ko sa east west dahil sa’yo. (kaw din F, tagal na kitang namimiss)

 

 

And I’ll miss the pantry cuz steff and I used to do our kadamakan scenes there and used to plan on our lives there, na feeling naman naming mangyayari talga, and where we used to race drinking iced tea by running toward the door, with paper cups on our lips…

 

 

I’ll miss more of the pantry cuz of Armando who knows no other food other than siopao and yakisoba, and of course, I’ll miss kathra, because I got her to etel, and am leaving her there.

 

 

then I’ll miss my team thor of course. Lahat kayo. Kung kelan pa tyo nagging wukits after ng camotes misadventures nagkaleche leche na agad ang team. Pero salamat sa best practice, I’ve never seen people as dedicated to work and fun as you guys are, this puts me to shame.

 

and yung ka wave ko sa resex. you guys are wonderful ppl.

 

 

 

Then narda, and the friends I’ve made thru mrm. Even if mrm did not work out for me… Hahaha. At last nagkaroon din ako ng kaibigan sa account ko. Salamat sa 3am lunches together at sa carbon moment, that was really fun... And yep, kay dulce who I never thanked her being with me during those lunch when am sulking alone, I appreciate the friendship.

 

 

 

And if ever I forgot to thank anyone, my apologies, I appreciate the people from etel, this has been the best work place so far…pero pero pero… hindi ako para dito.

 

And hopefully, I’d get a decent paying job again and I could see you guys elsewhere.

 

 

 

 

 

i used to be stuck in southwell

27September 2000/ 530pm

 

jelly beans

   and licorice sticks

    green mangoes

and lollipops being licked

   it makes sense, the world is

sweet not sick.

 

 

 

 

‘98

a world full of people

never will I stand a chance

of seeing you

again

 

 

 

20 September 2000/ 625pm

 

I feel for you

I’ll wait for you

I live, I pray

I long for you, and

I can imagine

That you’ll never know.

 

 

 

God- shobe’s tanka ‘98

 

Creator of love

Of things beyond and above

Creator of all

Things very big and so small

I will listen when You call.

 

 

26 September 2000/ 1045pm

 

pink glitters

and colored sand,

coming in blue, purple,

pale yellow and red,

sweet smell of dried lavender,

wishing that the whole

world looked and smelled this good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

so wut’s it gonna be?

Only someone very young can do that- move without hesitation- because the older you are, whether you intend it or not, you get attached. You lay down roots, feel an uncomfortable kinship with the soul beneath your feet. Certain things become meaningful and irreplaceable and no matter how much you like to travel or adore your destinations, you will always return to that thing that only exists for you here. –Constance on leaving Grasse

 

Am stuck in a dead end situation, by the time I’ve posted this I wish all of these are over. My regularization performance appraisal bonus is screwed, am counting on it that way I don’t have to wait for the last pay that will take forever before the company would give it to me.  Was there ever a time that you feel like everything seemed to be up in the air, and you plan on doing something but you’d have to resign to being still, to having to wait for a while and that little while seemed to be taking freaking forever?

 

 

Why is it that I’ve to trade things so I can get one thing I wanted and give up on another? Not everyone had to go thru this I know. I am sure. To be able to sleep at night I’ve to not make it to work or give up work as a matter of fact. Lord, why did I ever plan on giving up davao for this? Will I deserve what I have had before? Been thinking of packing, the rest of my stuff goes to freight, while I carry a trolley and a gym bag. That’s wut mothergoose told me. I have this clear picture of piyayaland and somehow if I do not make it there last week of july, I will not speak of disappointment because it will be drawn all over my face.

 

They say: the darkest hour is the best time to see the stars. It is when life seems most harsh and painful that the most wonderful blessings arrive.

 

I wish I can restate that every time as my affirmation. Lord I do not want to see the stars, I’d love it when it would rain at night, but, tomorrow lemme have my plans and dreams coming their way to me.

 

 

 

\Lord lemme marry jack johnson…hahahaha\

 

This would be the second pack up the luggage that am gonna do as an adult, the fourth of those this time this job might work out for me. I will never know…

 

Oh I saw inside men with my folks. Today. July 8.I did not dig it. Booh. Am not einstein’s kid.

 

Ohlife…be nicer, I would do yoga, I would eat healthy, I would not purposely hurt anyone. I will not screw up this time. Iamamess.iamstillangry.i am wide awake and panicking.   

 

  

1 chronicles 4:10

jabez cried out to the God of Israel: oh that You would bless me and enlarge my territory, let Your hand be with me and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain! And God granted his request.

 

 

Never look for right in the other man,

But never cease to be right yourself…

Never look for justice, but never

Cease to live it… Oswald Chambers

 

  

Hand me down

Matchbox20

July8, 2006

 

 

heart in hand

 

A broken heart is the single greatest pain you will ever have to endure. In fact, the most hurt you can ever imagine. And the one who commits this emotional crime is not someone you hate, it is not even someone you dislike, no, because the only person who is capable of breaking your heart is the one who holds it precariously in their hands, the one with whom you have shared your dreams, your secrets, your fears, the one more special than anybody else in the world. And there lies the irony.

 

2 years ago

 

Cebu was beautiful when I met you/the world was turned wrong-side up whenever am with you…I am braver and at the same time vulnerable when we are together … I will marry you in a heartbeat if you ask me to, I’ve never doubted for a moment whether I cared for you cuz I do… I love you to the very core of my crazy-naïve-heaped-up heart, that is why I could never take the fact that you could never do the same to me… which is love me back.

 

will i ever be you?

 

Am learning not to take myself too seriously, laugh at my heart mishaps, be ever so clumsy and reckless about loving and living at the same time, cry whenever I feel like it, shamelessly admit to having a crush or two, be wasted once in a blue moon, get rained on when I missed the jeepney stop, and just run toward the house on 266^th street… I am reconstructed. <3

 

 

 

 

 

 

What makes wishes come true is the trust in the heart… crouching tiger, hidden dragon

 

gal pals

Dear Jace, am sorry the letters are delayed. The last one I wrote was about a year ago. Am not sure if you’d still want them. Loveyou.

 

Dear Verlaine, you’ve been there the whole time, you called and shrieked with me everytime I do get into a situation. You are more than the cinammon and whipped cream on that frappe.

 

Dear Steph, I make up the nuttiest screw ups. I’ve to admit it, you make me sane when you act crazy.

 

Dear Honey, it was yer fault why am in cebu… I wish you went with me.

 

Dear Dee, I know you’re tired of having to see me jump off from one place to another. I won’t tire of seeking to find solace from you.

 

Dear Magi, you are still the sweetest thing on earth. i wish i were like you.

 

And to those who knew that am enveloped in a thick film called selfishness and still had stuck it with me. thank you.

 

 

 

 

In aeternum

In aeternum I was once determed

For to have loved and

My mind affirmed that with…my

Love it should be confirmed in

Aeternum.

 

 

July 10, 2006

 

I know that love is forever but, I do not think that waiting for a job offer can take forever. If the plans to move to piyaya land won’t take place. I’ve to start over again. But, am never ever going to go back to aol. No, thank you very much.

 

 

So raen, tell me something about yourself that is not stated in your CV… hi am raen, I’m 24 years old, and am broke.

 

 

 

 

Ending in my fave movie quotes…

 

I could not sooner choose a favorite star in the heavens.

                                  Danielle, ever after

 

5jan2001

she belonged to another, another forever

she belonged to the twilight and mists.

 

 

 

untitled: virginia lichauco de leon

Words left unspoken

Gentle touch suspended,

Give me the reason

Tell me…why?

 

25 august 70

 

 

if to forget, I must,

      time be my friend.

 

7 september 70

 

 

 

Wait for me

I came from a country

Of little people,

I’m not used to giant steps,

Wait for me

 

25 September 70

 

 

 

and so the day ends

life will go on

  I am

What your faith

   Has created:

A tiny link

In this long chain of humanity.

 

22 feb 71

 

 

 

By the way now…

<> 

 

 

It took me the whole day to start rummaging thru my stuff, what to throw away, what to keep, what might come in handy and useful.  I was almost tearful when I got to having to part with the old receipts of purchases and dinner and lunch out with joey and steph, the tissues and napkins from east west or bigby’s I’ve saved when am there with my siblings or the family or with my gals, the movie tickets I kept when soy was still in cebu lalo na those I marked his seat and my seat, the skittles wrap from ron because it took him to go around the city just to find me those candies, chips’ bags and coffee packets from marc when he got hospitalized and I managed to get him out of chonghua in the middle of the night, the empty tea bags from shangrila, the whole scrapbook of cebu…they all went to the to junk box. I had sorted thru the stuff, the accessories I’m keeping, the beany babies, and the documents I might need for a new job. I just can’t take the breakables with me such as the oil burner…argh. It’s amazing that you can actually see how you have had been the previous years through the things that piled up at home, some things are just hard to part with because I know that should I leave them in cebu, am never gonna have anything tangible that will remind me of a certain person, place, or situation.

 

<< I didn’t ask for it to be over but then again I didn’t ask for it to begin for that’s the way it is with life. As some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance but even the most beautiful days eventually have their sunsets.>>

 

Sadness and excitement are creeping into me, this is a new bittersweet experience altogether. I know am not leaving any pair of shoe, am leaving some bags behind, some of them reflect my babyish more likely imbecile taste, hehehe, am not sure about clothes though, some of the books am taking, I might have time to read.  

 

 

<> 

 

God I hate the dyou remember and the rewinds that I’ve to face should I end up packing, a part of me is scared, a part of me wouldn’t want to give up cebu, cuz wut if I cannot go back? What if I am misleading myself into believing that life would be breezier elsewhere? And whatever happened to the plans of moving back to davao, what about the rest of the stuff in gensan, what happened to childhood roots and thinking of going home? Where is home anyway?

 

<< It seems that life could be compared to a jigsaw puzzle with each pieces so much like a person, having a place where they fit perfectly yet so many in there need to belong. Grab the first piece they come to, try to make it fit and because of this they are quite in harmony with their adjoining pieces, thus they never get to know the why it was truly meant to be.>>

 

Will the people I found special and beautiful ever think about me without me reminding them that I am still in existence? Will I do without steph and joey, it’s different without them…different without the people I got used to being around with or knowing that they are around because we are in the same city.  Anyway marc made it to davao intact, soy left and is still equally happy, many of my friends left and found their place under the sun, why can’t I find my way some place where my things and I would belong together? God I badly needed to know what I should do.

 

<< it’s not easy this thing called life with its broken dreams and lonely nights and all the things that didn’t work out right. It would be easier if it came with a script of who we were to meet and the right things to say and nothin’ but sunshine filling each day. Yes, it would be easier but it wouldn’t be life.>>

 

July 9, 2006

                                                      

Better together

Jack Johnson

 

Disclaimer: am still not sure if am really ever gonna make it to piyayaland. ;( call me now…