sticky post

galenga is worn out and is such a slow poke at page loading. so fresh sheet, here we are.

" Chanson Du Soleil "

time to be happy
my time for you
and for me too...
my time to sleep
my time to dj
my time for dancing
my time far way...
nothing gonna stop us now
nothing …
nothing gonna stop us now

la la la la la la lá
la la la la la la lá la
la la la la la la lá


it's my time...

Changed my headshot for Twitter cuz I am idle like that and I am to be reminded that I need a much smaller hip size after birthing so dressing up won't be tedious.

I also need my bedhead hair back. Easier to work with and prettify. I hafta get a new pair of contact lenses too. My boyf asked me why my right eye is smaller than my left- that means I can't see well.

Tah-tah!

the loneliest girl in bc

today my fave little person left me for cebu and eventually will be bound for davao next week. kenji, for the past almost 3 years had been my compass to being maternal. yes, whilst in my "watchful" eye, he had bumps and bruises, he would not dede his milk, i've learned so many things about yielding, waiting for hugs and kisses on the lips that are not pugos or asked, and about child-rearing in so many ways.

i just wish that i can always remember how his breath smelled and how the washroom smelled like milk/powder after he bathes.

i now wish for a boy from the stork. i simply wish that in due time, the loss i feel for my nephew will be replaced with fondness for my own child.

-

on the other hand, i'm almost done packing. the apartment is almost bare now. can't believe i kept so much junk through the years. i hope in our own house we don't wind up keeping junks that collect dust.
yesssssssssss, we still need tiles, and a sink, and exhaust. kadaghan pa. kapoy think.

and we'd need to save for the baby. and the mini-van. ambot.
-
i'm just so frakken tayerd and sick lately.

-
right after we bade gbye to kenji and dich today, j and i had breakfast at kuppa. i felt that we needed a treat. and jending, we ended up in an argument, to the point of almost yelling at each other amidst the crowd of insiks having breakfast there. at the end of the meal we made up.
naaaaaaaaaah. kabuang.
-
i hope married life and motherhood would change me for the best. and that i'd feel anchored. sana ganun lang.

sated with hospital food in a hospital bed

in bullets

wednesday night, october 20- i wind up with a high fever that would go between 38-40 degrees

21st- stayed at home, i asked for a PTO- paid time off. and my rashes appeared on the back

22nd- i asked j to take me to the hospital in the morning and i wind up staying in

my weekend- spent in the hospital.

saturday morning- i asked that my dextrose/iv be taken out after my hand was all painful.

sunday morning, my fever died down. after promising to drink 4 liters of gatorade. and i took an extra effort to eat tons-ful of jell-o. went on steroids.

monday- my whole body is red and swollen and itchy

tuesday- last day in the hospital. fml, my rashes are still itchy allover.

the verdict: quit tegretol- now i'm gonna be drugless when going about my tic douloureux. hay. :(

2 hospital visits in one month. what could this mean to me?

i wish i were terminally ill. haha. it would make things easier. i don't have to think about a future home, retirement, savings, and those things. it's going to be the bohemian rhapsody for me.

.

catch 22.

i can and cannot be a parent all the same.

life can't wait

my neuro was not available until after lunch, i decided against seeing her this time. so i went shopping.

on the grocery list were yogurt, marshmallows, mint chocolates, and hazelnut spread. i got over nutella, i found a cheaper version- it's called finetti from Romania.

on the vanity aisle, i got me a pink bottle of unbranded eau de toilette that smells like estee lauder's pleasure. and i got me a bottle of mmmmmmmm pear caramel from calgon, and an anti-flat volumizing creme from sunsilk(helene curtis) cuz my hurrrrrrrr is dry like dut.

i also shopped for kairi! got a ballerina ensemble for her. she might wear it on her birthday this september. (:

lastly, i broke the bank for the frou frou tabs. i've gotten ribbons and metallic permanent markers. how to work the tabs, i'm still trying to figure out.

getting the fafillion dresses by the 29th. hopefully i get stocked the moment i return to bacolod from cebu.

<3

fxck yeah work

find a job that you love, you'll never work a day in your life.

last day of class would always make me feel like i've the best

job in the whole wide world! ♥

10

i wonder why i even bother to continue keeping people i shouldn't be keeping or keep up with people who wouldn't bother keeping me.

nonetheless, as i found the answer to the thought above, i also realize that months ago this crapfxck does not matter as i have a life outside of the crackhouse. and saturday nights were not meant to be spent with a 23 yr old who could not exactly tell me what he wants out of me. so there. or now had meaningfully informed me that i am not to expect to trail behind him and his buddies when we're outside taculing. people are odd that way.

my class and i are planning for a graduation luau- i hope the beach plan goes well. however, i hope i don't get harrassed in the process cuz i could just stay at home that saturday evening and could just go out with them in the morning and eat a mcdonald's. bow.

overall, some days there's meaning at work. on some days it's just darrrrrrrrrrrn catastrofxck and i wanna fml.

for what they'd said was no news. Nothing ended, nothing begun, nothing resolved.

—"Brokeback Mountain," Annie Proulx

fxckyeah!

I've got the most unbelievable skill of hurting myself over and over. :(

easy like sunday morning

no, the weekend wasn't that easy because i wanted to slap myself for not going out saturday night because i'm way too chicken to make new friends. and there were ginormous errands. and i had to contend with reading a thesaurus while queuing for an hour at BPI, and thinking of a plan to pay my debt in 2 months time. grr.

oh, to grow up. nonetheless, diy-ing with sticky tacs and sharing cupcakes with kenji was loads of fun. made me happy to be on the day shift. ;p

God is indeed gracious!

“So much present, inside my present, inside my present - so, so much past.”

Fiest. I'm merely quoting.

Lunch was bitch slap today. I'm sometimes very politically correct, sometimes too kind when I already should be saying things like- oh screw her if she's like dut, or yeah, I intend to let an aswang eat your baby, and both of us would be cool. I'm epokreta like dut, or maybe I'm taught to always say kind things to people who are hurting even if that means choking me and tearing my heart, innards, and all of me apart.

Yawn.

There are times when I feel like crying that I'd wind up- laughing as I speak.

My whole being is becoming a pattern- of rotten-ness, of listlessness, and of madness.

And yeah. My class is weird. I just want to go to Guimaras.

Even my posts do not contain anything of value.

Today I learned that I shouldn't be reading into things OA-ly. That I should take people at face value. And yeah, meron pa:

two things hurt me today-

a Christian professing his being a Christian but could lie to me point-blank.
and
yeah, the hunger in Sudan- hellyeah, I'm affected like dut- I sometimes wonder why a good God would allow an innocent child to go hungry.

That's why I appreciate a warm bread so much.

my showmanship

is a dawg-show!

class photos can be so funny. i found this on one of my learner's facebook. kaloca.

i'm trying to humor myself. my summer is sooooo arid and empty. and so Agrabah-tic. i get the kick out of having lunch with some two guys who call people names. i am laughing my arse off most of the time during these lunch breaks.

yes, i like girl friends. pretty ones. i like boy friends. the tough lookin' ones.

out of the humdrums of the daily life.

If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap.

If you want happiness for a day, go fishing.

If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune.

If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.--Chinese proverb

I really should do something good for self this summer. A post-Easter gift to self other than acquiring ballets flats, 2 pairs at a time.

I wanna run.

I realized that I don't want to run away from this job because this is the very reason why I moved here in the first place.

And I find happiness in playing teacher.

I wanna get a degree.

So I can be a preschool teacher some day. I gave up on the idea of having children. Yes, I get baby jealous but, yeah motherhood has never been on top of the wishlist. I really wanted greta-dom yah know.(:

And I wanna learn a new skill.

To be able to drive an automobile. To be able to really scuba dive without being scared of carrying a tank. To be able to do something worthwhile and productive with my two hands.

And I promise to take care of my teeth. That it pays to floss, brush in between meals, and eat healthy, and not smoke.

Sayang today. I missed Tino during lunch break. :( [Lol, kung maka Tino ko, daw correct ko.]

making things pretty

so much spare time. my DIY rhinestoned camera and phones. (:

f*ckyeah longest weekend.

thank God for the internet, the whole holy week stuck at home because of my half swollen face will be bearable.

photos in order: yeah, i love posh, i'd need new specs and should really learn the meaning of bokeh- cuz it sounds delicious and delirious at the same time, next dibidi to rent- the virgin suicides, yes children, i am not ahead of my time. i know that some time in august this year, they will release eat, pray, love- i'm watching it two years after its release most probably. and yes, i'm still in love with typos.

patooties are still cute as they can be, they make me want and not want children in the future. make me think that i should slave to become wealthier so i can help their parents get them to good prep school that'll make them wear hogwarts-looking uniform.

not expecting much out of my summer. i'm a okay with the classes. i only need to go thru the last round of having all my bad teeth overhauled. God, i love my set of teeth. i wonder why i don't floss as often. hahahahaha.

my dentist put me on medication. my facebook posts are all shite-ty and she's putting me on weird diet that i don't understand. much as i wanna stick with her advice, i am still eating dark meat.

i miss valpacino. the lad makes me think about work more often. it's scary. i'm on a stay at home vacation leave, but i wind up working my way thru my corporate email. it's plenty scary now.

my heart is very resilient. i only want one thing for the summer. i want my credit card debt paid off by end of month. and then no more. hahaha.

ain't life easy? yes, it's a bed of roses.

i realized that the more things i want, the more insatiable and discontented i become.

images via weheartit

tumblr-ing

my tumblr is a joke.

keverity. iwillmiss myvalpacino. hahahaha. mine na daw kuno.

someone once said that people think that it's the big things that make life wonderful, but, little do they know that it's actually the small things that make it worthwhile.

1. having someone run so fast to catchup with you.

2. to have someone ask to walk you home.

3. or pay the trisikel bill- ha-ha!

4. or tell you i love you in front of so many people.

way cute, way sweet, way kilig. yessssssssssssss, it's a boy and he is quite THE lad. (:

on the other handdddddddddddddddd, here are new posts from tumblr.

http://raenafroufrou.tumblr.com/post/475870569

http://raenafroufrou.tumblr.com/post/475868776/everybody-asks-why-i-started-at-the-end-and-worked

http://raenafroufrou.tumblr.com/post/475798844/class

Sing like your winning.

my neurosis is really bad lately. my very awesome, productive nesting week went shitey just like that.

and i don't care to elaborate.

i've been wanting one thing the whole week through. and i know that this exclusivity is not something that will be handed to me right away.

oh well, i'm letting God work. yesssssssssssssssireeeeeeeee, let Him.

ha-ha, i've clogged my facebook with all the quotes i can get out of twitter. it was fun and disconcerting all the same.

as for this blog. new fonts, new lay-out. read- worthy-ness is in question still.

i am gonna be a hermit in the next few days. i'll keep at it. wallow in misery, let me.

♡

full of oysters, there's no pearl

again, i am extremely depressed. not heart-broken kinda depressed, but a traveler ready to leave town depressed.

[yes, there'll be days when people are bastos, unkind, and they simply have nothing to lose in their lives, so all that they can be is become shite.] and yeah lately, i've enough of people who doesn't doesn't deserve the attention. if, they want the attention, fcukyeah- they all can have it. wag na sana mag compete with me. i'm okay with all the unsolicited attention being given to me and the facebook account, which is really a made-up, unreal version of who i am. oyyyyyyyyy.

ka-sad this city. people are just overbearing.

onthaothahend..

i leave with a quote about love, cuz it's hard to be loving and all that pizazz at the moment.

"I’d like the kind of love that lasts forever. It doesn’t matter if it’s plain, it doesn’t matter if it’s ugly. It just has to be there."

-Mike Gayle

terribly crushing on someone at the moment. (:

burst of happy-ness

from my broken nikon digi cam. :(

my february

i wonder why i did not cry so hard, or wallowed in misery, or tried my hardest to put on a happy face. i am disconcertingly quite happy.

yes, i do laugh a lot, i smile a lot, i get upset in class, i can yell, fall flat on my tush laughing without a care in the world.
oh no, i'm not happy it's over and had to let go. letting go of a person you cared about is difficult. then again, this time it's a bit easier when you are given the reason to let go even if you know for a fact that you're not ready to let go yet. at the same time, things are in the correct perspective now; yes, even if it sounds mercenary- some people and relationships are for practice and for the mean time. ☻