There were always in me, two women at least..

I got part of an answered prayer today. I passed the planning exam for a post that I am aiming for, a promotion/ to be part of the mid-management. However, as the recruitment director Paul informed me- it'll be an uphill battle for me because I have zero production floor/operations experience coming from a training background. The big guys out there would have to think about considering or even poring into my CV. At that point, I was almost ready to burst into tears because I am not made of the sturdiest stuff when it comes to keeping a straight face. However, thank God I ended up semi-bargaining my application.

This is a big deal for me because I am not one to be ambitious when it comes to wanting a post in management. Yes, I would want the monies as this entails greater pay but that's not just about it. However, now that I have my child, everything had to revolve around my Bianca. My motivation would now be her- to rear her alone and this would mean that I'd need to get a promotion. I need to be in a bigger city to give her better opportunities in the future. And now, I've to be ambitious as compared to my 25 year old self who was okay with the per payday shopping, dinner, and living from paycheck to paycheck. Everything would seem to be placed in the correct perspective.

I kept telling myself that if I don't get the post I won't be disappointed. And that's the truth of the matter. The only thing that will probably disappoint me and break my spirit would be when I will not be given the chance to go through the interview process. I am okay with let-downs as long as I have been given the chance to state my case and to TRY and go for something.
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This blog entry is not entirely about nailing the post and being secure that I'd be able to afford raising a daughter. I wanted to share what happened today. I talked to my boss(etago natin sa pangngalang Jeremy).. We talked about career pathing and the disappointment or possible frustration and TEARS that I could be facing if I don't get the job I wanted. Then to budgeting and he mentioned about tithes and savings. I realized I could not get it into my systems and my heart to actually do tithes. I could count a gazillion reasons why starting from not having a home church to this being burdensome. The discussion burgeoned into church-going, and into making God a huge factor in my every decisions.

I caught certain things that somehow convicted me:

1. That raising a daughter alone now, I will be the STRONGMAN of the family.
2. That I have to make a conscious effort that I involve God in the dailies. That I would ask, Lord what dyo intend to do for me and not just say Lord these are the things that I want/need or am asking for.
3. That God's grace is sufficient. And that I dont question why some get better jobs/earn better than I do when they themselves do not have Him in their lives.
4. That I bless my child every day in prayer. That I lay my hand and tell her I love her despite being frustrated and tired.
5. That I am blessed to be alive no matter how cliche it may sound.
6. That I wont be too proud or too bashful to ask for help from the Lord and from my family as they are the only ones who will not fail me.
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It's crazy, strongman. I kept retelling myself that. I am now my daughter's strongman. I will be her rock.